Being here

It would be easy to say that I have felt quiet, that words have been hard to come by. But that would be a lie. Or at least not the truth.

The truth is, I have been writing. A lot. For my podcast. For some other projects. I’ve been staying up late. I have been writing through the day. I’ve been letting myself get lost in the stories that weave themselves through me.

But this writing has been different. It’s not how I have spent the last decade plus showing up. My writing has not been poetics and insights. I’ve been writing stories. Worlds. Explorations of expanses that have long lived inside of me.

Though I have loved every second of writing lately, including the ones where I stare at a blank screen for hours and feel like I have no idea what I am doing, I still find myself trying to find my way back to what had been. Trying to remember ways I used to write. The things I used to say. However, I am not sure if that landscape exists inside of me any more. If it’s there, I have not been able to find it.¹

This isn’t exactly a new experience for me. Over the years, my work has changed. My voice has changed. I have changed. Whenever those moments of deepening…of refinement…happened, I always knew that there were things I wanted to say, even if it took me a while to figure out how. I’ve never been in a place where I didn’t know what to say. Or if I wanted to say anything at all. Until now.

It would be satisfying to have a way to wrap this up in a pretty bow, tell you that I have figured it all out and will be presenting you with something sparkling new. I have no answers. There is no neat and tidy happy ending. All I know is that when some of the words I am sharing here today sparked in my head, it felt easy to sit down and write them. It felt like something I wanted to do…something I could do…which has not been true for a few months.

I don’t quite know what my next step is, or where to place my foot if I were to take it. Yet, I am not lost. I do not feel trapped. I am here and so much has already happened here. Yet, there are things I want. Things I need. Much of that exists outside of here. I can hope, and maybe even trust, that if I keep doing the work, one day there will become here.

For now, I am seeing clients. I am putting out a podcast. I am writing. I am listening. I am finding myself where I am. Over and over.

With love and fire~
Jo Anna

P.S. The clearing last night was deep, still and offered so much grace. For paid subscribers, I will be sharing secret messages tomorrow.

1. To be fair, I look for things like a 12 year old. I walk in a room, glance around, don’t see what I am looking for and immediately give up. Though, I have done a more thorough job with recent matters.