Where I Find Myself -- Part 1

Notes from a break

I sent the email last week writing about my plan for a break.
And the moment it was out in the world, I found myself under a wave of exhaustion I could not escape.
So, I surrendered into it.
Letting myself rest the way my being craved.

Once the weekend passed, I found myself in a state of restlessness.
The song of stillness reaching out to grab me.
While tendrils of worry shimmered like stars before me.
Asking if I should let myself.
Wondering if I should give in.

I sat down to work and did not know what to do.
An expectation bore down on my breath.
One that held a vision that by the very nature of this break…and my choice to step into it…I would immediately experience the freedom I longed for and would get back to work as usual.

Much of the week was spent finding myself amidst this push and pull.
Aching to rest.
Wanting to dazzle.
I wrote emails like this one in my head.
Wondering if it was the right choice.
The best choice.
The choice that would, perhaps, end this break before it truly began.

The spinning worry around the right choice is one of the things that called me to a take break.
It is something I want to break away from.

So now, I find myself in the slow work of untangling myself from these visions and fears that have bound me.
I find myself in the quiet.
In the wonder.
I find myself writing.
Now.
Here.
Letting words arrive, without them locking me into forever.
Simply playing, for now.

With love and fire ~
Jo Anna