The door is tiny until I close my eyes

The welcome into what awaits

I long to start my days in stillness.
To lay quietly when the light is still low on the horizon.
Just so I can remember who I am.
Why I am.
Before it begins.

****

The door is tiny until I close my eyes.
Then I am small.
And the door is grand.

The door sits at the very edge of my breath.
Deep below my belly.
And I feel its call.
A pulse of aliveness.
A reflection of curiosity.
An ache I can’t remember not knowing.
But it is only now that I can see this doorway.
Only now I am sure that it is here.

I want to open it.
I want to cross its threshold.
I want to know what lives beyond.
And yet.

****

I want to do it right.
My break.
My work.
My everything.
I want each thing I do to be the magic right thing I have been trying to discover so that it all comes together in the perfect way I could never actually imagine and so I don’t do anything because it might be the wrong thing and instead I let the ideas swirl and swarm and sit stuck in nothing because I won’t just fail.

****

The path to the doorway is fraught.
Steep.
Begging.
It asks everything of me.
My full presence.
Or.
My ankle will turn and I will slip and tumble down the steep.
So that everything spills out.
Without mind for my carefully curated collection of fears.
And the mess will be on display for all who wish to watch me try to weave it into a key that might unlock what could come next.

****

I do not wish to live between warring factions of my mind.
Each side offering protection with sharp barbs of control.
I do not wish to wonder who I want to be.
I would rather discover that for myself.

And if I fall.
It would not be the first time.

****

I had a wonderful vacation.
And I am grateful to be back.

****
More to come.


With love and fire~

Jo Anna